Jokes Jokes and more Jokes

Feel free to add any you think we'll enjoy!!


Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.



PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.



TYRES: TYres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated



HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.



SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.



WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.



TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.



EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.



HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.



THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

This older couple arrived at the doctors for their annual check up.
The man goes first and after the examination the doctor told the man he was in perfect health. "Any questions?" "Well", the man said. "The first time I have sex with my wife I am sweating all over and the second time I am freezing. Do you have any idea why?"
The doctor had no clue, so when he examined the woman he told her about this problem her husband had. She answered: "Well DUH!!!....the first time we had sex was in July, the second time in Februari!

A married man (me) and his secretary (hostess) are having an affair. They decide to leave the office (restaurant) early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been. The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"




*I saw this joke a couple months ago and have had it saved in word as a text file ever since as this same thing happened to me a few years back, pmsl

**I am in no way condoning extramarrital relations!!!!! *cough*bullshit*cough*........gotta get it somewhere!!!

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

How many happies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?





NONE, their stalkers do it for them!

kimbrosj wrote:

NONE, their stalkers do it for them!

Soooo Kimmy.... where were you last night then when I was changing mine?!?!

Happy-One wrote:

Soooo Kimmy.... where were you last night then when I was changing mine?!?!

Diva's house!

FFS! So close and you didn't bother stopping by?!?!

well it was after 10pm, figured you were asleep, lol........xox

kimbrosj wrote:

Diva's house!

And boy! Did we had a blast right Kimmy?
Next time make sure you don't pass out ok?

Oh well....BOB was very nice to me too

Happy-Diva wrote:

And boy! Did we had a blast right Kimmy?
Next time make sure you don't pass out ok?

I thought you preferred me unconcious, that way I am not a smart ass, and just a sex toy......I know you love me for my body not my mind!!!!

kimbrosj wrote:

Happy-Diva wrote:

And boy! Did we had a blast right Kimmy?
Next time make sure you don't pass out ok?

I thought you preferred me unconcious, that way I am not a smart ass, and just a sex toy......I know you love me for my body not my mind!!!!

Sometimes yes, but when it comes to wanting your body you HAVE to be concious hunny.

You could try and sqeeuze all the blood from his brain downwards...

Happy-One wrote:

You could try and sqeeuze all the blood from his brain downwards...

ROFL!!!!

I will think of it next time One!

Dont know if I can afford to lose any more blood from my brain!!!

It really doens't matter to us if you lose your ability to speak though hunnie, no worries!

Speaking isnt the issue, I would more than likely be too preoccupied to speak anyways.....just not sure if I can afford to lose any more brain cells

kimbrosj wrote:

Speaking isnt the issue, I would more than likely be too preoccupied to speak anyways.....just not sure if I can afford to lose any more brain cells

We don't need your brains hunny!!!!

Happy-Diva wrote:

We don't need your brains hunny!!!!

PMSL! not that they are only after one thing or anything

Tinks, are my jokes suitable?

Richie babe, your jokes are more than welcome here...the dirtier the better remember

Why are most women bad drivers?
Because most drive instructers are men.

What's the difference between a man and a cup of coffee?
None, they both make you nervous.

What's the difference between a man and a cat?
None, they are both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

What do clouds and a man have in common?
When they disappear, it will become a beautiful day.

What's the difference between a man's brain and an olive?
The colour.

Men are living prove that reincarnation really exists.
It's impossible to become so stupid in 1 life.

Why do men have o-shaped legs?
Because all the unimportant things are between brackets.


p.s. Men who are feeling down after reading this.......Too bad!

Whats the difference between a womans privates and a taco?
After eating a taco you arent expected to cuddle

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does

what women would do if they had a penis for a day:
1. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
2. Get a blow job.
3. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
4. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
5. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
6. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
7. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
8. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
9. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
10. Repeat number 2......